


5 Days of Rockbottomness

by motorbaby_coffee



Category: Frank Iero - Fandom, Gerard Way - Fandom, MCR - Fandom, Mikey Way - Fandom, My Chemical Romance, MyChem - Fandom, bob bryar - Fandom, ray toro - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Gen, MCR, Revenge Era, Self-Harm, The Black Parade, mychem, mychemicalromance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-26 02:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10777293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motorbaby_coffee/pseuds/motorbaby_coffee
Summary: Gerard way is addicted to alcohol, drugs, and self hate and is majorly depressed. Follow Gerard's first steps to coming clean. This story is in not a biography but is based off of the real events of Gerard Way's life before becoming sober.*Trigger warning* alcoholism, depression, prescription drug abuse, narcotic abuse, self-harm, suicidal themes*finished*





	1. Hitting Rock Bottom

  

The headache from my hangover burned through my deep sleep. I was laying on my face on a couch in the dressing room. I recognized the room as the one My Chem had used for the show the night before. I used my sore arms to push me up into a sitting position. That was a mistake. I instantly got dizzy and was just able to grab on to a nearby trash can before loosing the contents of my stomach. It was then that I looked up and realized that the dressing room had been abandoned. The guys knew how I got on a hangover. They had probably returned to the tour bus. I located my cell phone from my back pocket. and flipped it open to check the time. [4 am](http://x-apple-data-detectors:/0). 

  
I dragged myself back to the couch. I could hear in my head the conversations I would be forced to listen to later. My brother, Mikey, would be so disappointed that I had fallen back into depression. No, not disappointed for that. He would be disappointed that I had fallen back into my ...habits. I smoke, I drink, I take huge amounts of pills, I even have a new one. That I was even more afraid to talk about. I had been doing cocaine. Nobody knew about that one. I didn't want to tell anybody. I was already too ashamed of everything else.

I have a problem.  


I know I have a problem. I felt the tears start to run down my face. I wanted it to stop! I want to be me again! I want to be the Gerard that my friends want to be around! 

I puke again as the tears still run down my face. Then I curl up into a ball on the couch and pull my knees to my chest. The tears start to subside. I check the time again. [5 am](http://x-apple-data-detectors/0). 

I didn't want to wait any longer. I go to my contacts and find the number I want. I hit the talk button and wait while it rings. It takes a long time for Brian, our manager, to pick up.

"What the Fuck, Gerard! It's [5 am](http://x-apple-data-detectors/1)!"

"Um, I n-needed to t-talk to you, Brian. I have a problem. I know you've been trying to get me to realize that and now I believe you." I started crying again.

"Gerard, calm down, we're going to get you through this. Just calm down and explain to me what changed." 

"I-I just don't know anything anymore! I don't know why I feel sad and worthless all the time. I just don't know. It's eating away at me. I can't do this anymore. Im drowning myself in alcohol and pills! The guys are so disappointed in me, they don't even want to be around me anymore! I want to stop, Brian, but I can't! What am I going to do?!"

Brian’s POV

I knew that Gerard had been depressed since before the band started. He had been able to get out of it at least for a while but now it’s back. Everyone had all seen it coming. Mikey, Ray and Frank had been keeping me informed on Gerard's state of mind; it wasn't good. They know he was hiding something else as well. He would just disappear at times and come back a few hours later looking and acting quite a bit different than he had before.

Gerard’s POV

"Gerard, just calm down and breath. Ok? I know you've been turning to alcohol and pills to drown out the lack of feeling. Here's what I want you to do. When you hang up, go to your tour bus, take a shower, and go to bed. Don't take any pills, don't wake anybody up, you need some time to calm down. Just go to sleep and when you wake up, tell your friends about your addiction. They just want to hear it from you. They already know what your going through. Alright?"

"I don't want to tell them, Brian. I don't want them to hate me." I was still crying. I hadn't told Brian about my Cocaine problem yet. 

"They will never hate you Gerard, they have gotten you through depression once, they can do it again."

"I'll try but I don't think I can do it."

"Just try. Call me again tomorrow at the same time. Try to stay sober. Goodbye Gerard."

"Bye" I said at almost a whisper before hanging up the phone. I was shaking. Slowly I got up and walked hunched over across the parking lot, toward the bus. It took me about 10 minutes at my slow pace. I climbed the steps to the sound of my friends snoring, making my way to the bathroom. Everybody stayed asleep. I turned on the shower, the water was cold. What did I expect from a bus water heater? I showered quickly, then dressed and got into my bunk. I didn't have any trouble falling asleep. 


	2. I'm not okay (day 1)

   

Gerard's POV  


I felt a hand shaking me awake. I was laying on my side with my face to the wall. I didn't turn around. Not wanting to face my friends.

"Hey! Wake up Gee! It’s time for breakfast!" I heard my brothers voice from behind me. 

"don't want any" I mumbled.

"Come on Gerard, you never eat anything!" I stayed facing the wall. I didn't want to show Mikey how broken I was. I needed to though. What would I tell Brian if I didn't talk to the band!? "Fine then! Come out when you're ready." I heard his footsteps move away.    


Franks POV

Mikey walked out of the Bunk area and took a seat at the table. 

"He's not coming?" I asked.

"No." he answered back with a worried look on his face.

"Let’s go outside for a minute, Mikes." I could tell this was getting to him and I didn't want him to have another panic attack. He got up and followed me down the steps out of the bus. We took a seat on a curb in the parking lot. I guessed that most of the set-up crew were having breakfast in their trailers. I could see Mikey's breaths getting quicker and shallower. I pulled him into a hug and he clung to my chest while he calmed himself down. Once his breathing returned to normal I let him go.

"Is he going to be okay, Frank?" I sighed. 

"I wish I could tell you Mikey." I really wish I could. I see the tears in the corners of his eyes.

"We have to do something! It’s not just the pills and Alcohol anymore, Frank! He's hiding something from us!" His breath became quicker again.

"shh, shh. I know. It's okay, calm down." I hugged him again as he started crying. This kid was like a little brother to me. I wanted to make sure he was okay. If Gerard knew what he was doing to his little brother he would definitely change his ways. I suspected it wasn't that anymore though. Gerard knew what this did to Mikey and he loved his brother more than anything but his body didn't give him a choice anymore. He was dependent on alcohol and pills and whatever else he was on. Mikey stopped shaking. Ray poked his head out the door and motioned for us to come back in.

"Can you guys come in here?" Ray asked us with a stricken look on his face. "I think he's ready to talk." I looked at Mikey, still in my arms. I pulled him up and directed him to the door.

I looked around the bus, Bob was leaning against the table top with his back to us. Ray stood by the table. They were both looking at a shaking Gerard, fiddling with his hands, he was sitting on the couch. He looked paler than normal, if that was possible. He looked up from his hands and his eyes widened as he saw Mikey with tears still running down his face.

  
Gerard’s POV  


I stumbled out of my bunk and entered the main part of the bus. I still had a headache from the hangover. Ray and Bob stared at me from the table. They had blank looks on their faces. I stared back and then realized that I was shaking. I looked away. Ray sighed and stood up. He walked over to me, I was still looking at the ground. He grabbed my shoulder and I slowly looked up.

"It’s time we did something about this, Gerard." I nodded slowly as I looked into his eyes. "Sit down." I did as he said and took the middle seat on the couch. He called to Frank and Mikey and asked them to return to the bus. I looked down at my lap and started playing with my hands. I wasn't sure that i could do it but now, in this situation, it didn't seem like I had a choice. The one thing i couldn't talk about was the cocaine. I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't sure if ready meant that i wasn't ready to give it up or that I didn't want to face their disappointment. 

Frank and Mikey entered the bus. Nobody said anything. I looked up at Mikey and my eyes widened as I realized he had been crying. I looked back down. I knew it. They were disappointed in me. Disappointed that i had let it get this far.

"Um..." I opened my mouth before thinking. I had looked up when I spoke but I looked down again and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my face in the fabric of my pants. I had to get this over with, I had promised Brian I would do it. I sighed and felt tears sting my eyes. "I have a problem. I need...want to stop. I see what its doing to all of you and i finally realized that ...my friends are more important than drinking and pills. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." The tears ran down my white face.

"Gee...please... look at me." Frank pleaded. I hesitantly looked up. "We know what you've been going through... You started drinking and taking pills because you're depressed. We've been so... scared that we were going to lose you." The tears were still running down my face. I winced from the headache. Frank glanced meaningfully at my brother. I stood up, almost fell back down but I caught myself. I walked over to Mikey and hugged him, sobbing into his shirt. I couldn't stop saying "I’m sorry." At first, he froze in place, not knowing what to do but then seemed to make up his mind and hug me back. He also started crying.  
  
Mikey's POV

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Gerard actually admitted that he had a problem! It was shocking for me to hear it from his mouth. I still had a feeling of dread. The tears had stopped a while ago but now they threatened again. I looked around at the others. Bob hung his head. He still wasn't facing us. Ray stared at Gerard with a look of relief on his face. Frank was looking into his eyes but then glanced over to me. Gerard took his meaning and got up. He staggered over to me and wrapped me in his arms. Still in a state of shock, I didn't realize that he had been whispering "I'm sorry." When I realized, I hugged him back. I started crying again, but not tears of sadness. I was going to get my big brother back! I pulled him over to the couch and sat down while he cried into my shirt. It felt good to be able to be close to him after so long. He had been so distant and kind of a jerk lately. 

Ray walked to the back of the bus where the bathroom was, he opened the cabinet he knew Gerard kept his pills in. Taking them out he opened them one by one and dumped the contents int0 the toilet. He kept one bottle because he knew that quitting without being weaned off was a bad idea that could make Gerard violently ill. Gerard had stopped crying now but his face was still wet from the tears. some of his color had returned. He looked really tired and we had a show to play later. 

"Go to sleep Gerard. You need more rest."  
  
Gerard's POV

I woke up to Frank shaking me. "Hey Gee, wake up! I know how long it takes you to put your makeup on." I swung my legs off the couch and stood up feeling well rested. Oops. Spoke to soon. I hurried over to the trash can and puked my guts out. Not that their was anything to puke up. The affects of not having alcohol, medication or cocaine in my body were already hitting me. 

I heard Ray behind me; "He's going to have to do to this slowly. Frank, give him a beer or something. He can't not have any alcohol in him." Frank looked reluctant but he opened the refrigerator and opened a can for me. I didn't reach for it but I felt my body urging me to. I looked away but took the beer from Frank. I sat in the corner on the Kitchen floor and drank the liquid I hated and loved so much. Every now and again, somebody would look at me but then look away quickly.

I sipped the beer until it was gone and then got up to do my makeup. I had to make it quick. We went on in an hour. I got dressed up in my uniform from the Helena video. We had all agreed that it would be our uniform for the revenge tour. I applied my makeup and then we all made our way back stage. Their was one person I dreaded seeing tonight. Bert, the leader of The Used. He was the one that was getting the Cocaine for me. I knew that I should stop doing it but I didn't want to tell anybody and I knew that if I rejected the offer to hang out with him after the show, people would wonder what was wrong with me. The answer was a lot of things but anybody other than the band thought I was 0kay. 

The roar of the crowd was deafening when we entered the stage. It was a miracle that i made it through this show. Being sober was not agreeing with me. I was still feeling pretty shitty but I'm a good actor.

As I expected, Bert invited me to his tour bus. I couldn't refuse. He offered me more cocaine which I took. Feeling Guilty because I knew it was wrong especially after this morning. I just felt backed into a corner and I didn't know what to do. I hate this. I acted as though nothing was wrong. I pretended to drink and admittedly, I did drink a little bit. But that night I returned to the bus in my right mind and the others seemed to be relieved when I walked in the front door. I had only done a little of the drug, just enough to satisfy my addiction and they didn't seem to notice. I climbed into my bunk and closed the curtain. I didn't sleep.


	3. Give Me All Your Poison

Ray's POV

  
We heard the bus door open and turned to look as Gerard entered, I knew we were all relieved that he had come back tonight. He looked a little bit fidgety as he crossed the bus to the bunk room, supposedly to go to bed. I sighed and pulled out my phone and started texting Brian.

"Well, he finally talked." I typed before pressing the send button. I waited a few minutes watching the guys play video games until I heard my phone make the little beeping sound it makes when I get a text.

"Thank God! He called me at 5 o'clock this morning. He said he knew he had a problem and he didn't want to do it anymore."

"That's what he told us too. I'm glad he's finally confronting this. Mikey's a wreak." I always felt bad for Mikey. He wasn't a kid but he was a little sensitive and prone to panic attacks.

"Just make sure Gee isn't going into some kind of shock. How has he been doing with all this?"

"I'm not really sure, I flushed most of his pills but he started puking after a few hours. We gave him one beer but I suspect he got more from somewhere else."

"I would expect that he would still need it, but try to keep it to a minimum"

"He's hiding something. I don't know what it is but it's something else besides alcohol and pills. I think it has to do with that Burt guy from The Used."

"If he hasn't said anything, it's probably worse than pills and alcohol." Brian was right. We needed to keep a closer watch on Gerard.

"He doesn't really eat anything either."

"Hopefully, once he gets some of the crap out of his system, he will want to."

"I don't know, it's not the drugs that are keeping him from eating, it's the depression. Both Way brothers have problems like that. Mikey suffers a lot from anxiety." Ray closed his eyes and thought of Mikey. The poor kid has been hiding the attacks from his older brother. We tried to help him but he just wants to make this as easy as he can, for Gerard.

"Hopefully Mikey won't be next but I hope he feels better too."

"Yeah, me too."

"text me again if you figure out what Gerard's hiding."

"I will, bye."

"Bye."

I look up to the TV just as Frank turns it off. They get up and go to the bunk room. I check the fridge to make sure that we had gotten rid of all the beer and then watch as Frank carefully pulls back Gerard's curtain. Satisfied that he's asleep, he climbs the bunk and disappears into his bed.

Gerard's POV

I lay awake in my bunk with my headphones in my ears. Maybe if the music was loud enough I wouldn't be able to hear myself think. It didn't work. I was on a high and I knew from experience that I wouldn't sleep tonight. The drug always made me more alert and restless. I'm sure the guys know that I'm hiding something. They knew Bert was a bad influence on me. I'm surprised that they don’t try to pry it out of me.

I took my headphones out. I could still hear them playing video games outside the bunk room. The urge to drink still had me in its grasp. I knew that they had probably either given all the alcohol to somebody else or hidden it really well. I wasn't going to try anything. I knew my body needed it and I wanted it too but I had to do this. I tried to remember how it was before I became addicted. I was a freshman in college, art school to be exact. I remember how sad Mikey was when I moved out. I almost didn't go. Mikey was my best friend and really the only thing that could pull me out of depression at the time. I realized that I had been substituting alcohol and pills for my friends. They were worth more than that.

I wanted to cry more. "Don't cry you’re not worth it. You don't deserve relief." I listened to the voice in my head because I believed it was true. I'm worthless. I deserve the pain. Cocaine only magnified my thoughts. I wanted to feel better but the other person didn't want me to. Why do I let it control me? I don't want to do cocaine but my mind told me to. It knew that it made me feel worse.

I looked at the time, it was almost 3 in the morning. I heard the tv turn off and the guys start to get ready for bed. I turned my head to face the wall. Somebody opened my curtain to make sure I was still there. I pretended to be asleep. The curtain closed again. Frank's foot appeared below my curtain as he climbed the bunk. He slept in the top because he was the smallest. Ray was in the bottom and I was in the middle. On the other side of the tiny room, Bob was in the middle bunk and Mikey was on the top. He liked to sleep on the top so he could ambush people when they walked by to get to the bathroom. I smiled at that thought. One time he dropped an egg on Frank's head. Mikey laughed so hard! Of course, this only mad Frank more mad. I'm surprised the band puts up with the two of us.

I couldn't sit here anymore. The crack made me restless. I got up, taking care to be quiet. Walking out to the main room of the bus, I reached for the door. Opening it as quietly as I could, I stepped out into the cool night air. I wanted to move farther away from the bus before calling Brian. "That's right, call Brian. You know it makes you feel horrible. You love to feel this way don't you?" "Yes, I do" I answered the voice. "I love pain."

I found a picnic table by the stadium and sat down, trying multiple positions, not able to get comfortable. I closed my eyes. Then opened them, not liking the images that flashed through my head. I pulled out my phone, it was 5 o'clock. I sighed and pulled up Brian's contact. "Do it."says the voice "I am." Hesitantly, I pressed the call button. This time, he was expecting my call.

"Hello Gerard, how's it going?" He sounded tired. I didn't speak. I didn't know what to say.

"Gerard? What's up? Say something!"

"Uh...um" I stuttered. My throat felt tight.

"It's alright Gerard. I know it's hard, did you tell them?"

"Y-yes" I managed to choke out. It took a lot of effort to not burst into tears.

"Good Gerard! I'm proud of you! Your making progress!" That hurt. I wasn't making progress. They just thought I was making progress. "How much did you drink last night?"

"I-I don't know... not enough. I need it Brian. I have a horrible headache and I can't stop throwing up!" I was pacing now. It helped my non-crying effort.

"What about pills?"

"Ray flushed them down the toilet" I suddenly felt a burning anger and then it disappeared as quickly as it showed up. I lay down on my back and look up at the dark sky.

"Good... Is there anything else you need to talk about Gerard?" I was quiet for about a minute. There was the question. They knew something was up.

"Do you think they h-hate me now Brian?" I asked the question that had been wearing on my mind for a long time. "Mikey probably does. I give him panic attacks."

"Gerard, Mikey has panic attacks because he's afraid to lose you. You getting better will help him."

"No it won't! The only person it will help is me! I so fucking selfish!" I almost yell into the phone, tears threatening again.

"Don't say that Gerard! We all love you. You need to get some sleep. Did you sleep at all before calling me?"

"No"

"Okay I want you to go back to your bunk now." Brian said, assuming that I wasn't in bed.

"Alright, I'm going now." I said.

"Goodnight.”

I didn't reply, I just clicked the end call button. I knew it was rude, but I didn't care. I slowly walked back to the bus and entered as quietly as I had left. The drug had finally worn off and I climbed into my bunk and collapsed.


	4. I'm Not Okay (day 2)

  

Gerard's POV

I woke up with the worst stomach ache I had ever had. I could hear the others moving around the bus but instead of getting up I curled into a ball and let out a small whimper. They must have heard because I heard foot steps walking toward me. I clenched my eyes shut. I groaned again.

"Are you okay Gee?" It was Ray.

I shook my head. "My stomach hurts so bad."

"You're probably hungry, you haven't eaten in like 3 days." He said. "We made waffles, if you want some..." He trailed off, expecting me to reject his offer. 

"Umm... Okay" His face brightened up. I mostly said it to make them happy. I hope forcing myself to eat will make them happy. 

I get out of bed and walk, hunched over to the table. Taking a seat next to Mikey, Ray places a waffle on a paper plate in front of me. I pick it up, not bothering to put butter or syrup on it. The moment I bite down on it, I realize how hungry I am and I keep eating until the waffle is gone. Then I ask for more.

They actually seemed hesitant, I thought they wanted me to eat. Mikey finally spoke up;

"You can have more if you want Gee but we made them with champagne instead of water. It makes them fluffier but, it has alcohol in it." He warned me. That instantly made my stomach churn. It's not that I didn't want alcohol but it disturbed me that they knew that I was struggling with it and they still have it to me. Worse, without telling me. How am I supposed to give up alcohol if they're the ones giving it to me?! I sighed and put my face in my hands. 

"Why would you give that to me?" I asked quietly.

"We're sorry Gerard, we should have told you." No shit.

"Why the fuck would you do that?!" I exploded. "I'm doing this for you guys and you're not helping by giving me the thing you don't want me to have." I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I would have run outside but the bus was already moving. I just wanted to get away from them. My eyes started to sting.

Mikey's POV

We stared after Gerard. He was right. What were we thinking? We could already hear crying coming from the bathroom.

"We shouldn't have done that guys. Now he's going to be upset and he already has enough to deal with. Ray, you didn't leave his pills in there, did you?"

"Uh..." He ran to the door and started banging on it.

"GERARD! OPEN THE DOOR!" 

Gerard's POV

I had tears running down my face, I felt betrayed. It's to confusing. I wouldn't be alive right now if the band hadn't been able to fix my depression the first time. The depression came back. I can't believe they would give me alcohol without  telling me. That's what hurt the most. I was full out balling now. I was pretty sure they could hear it out there.

I still felt disgusting, like I wasn't worth anything. I felt something familiar propelling me to open the cabinet above the sink. I was pretty sure Ray had left my pills in here. He did. I found them on the top shelf. I started to reach out for the bottle when I heard banging on the door. It was Ray.

"GERARD! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" Did you change your mind Ray? 

"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?!" I screamed back through my sobbing.

"PLEASE JUST OPEN THE DOOR GERARD!" 

"We want to apologize Gee!" That was Frank's voice. 

"HEY GERARD! MIKEY NEED'S YOU! HE'S HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AGAIN!" Bob screamed through the door. 

I froze and felt my heart skip a beat, then flinging the door open, I ran out as fast as I could and spotted Mikey laying on the floor. He was hyperventilating. 

"MIKEY, MIKEY! IM SO SORRY!" I pulled him into my chest. He opened his eyes and recognized me holding him. I clung to him tighter and he clung back. I had stopped crying by now. Mikey was breathing normal now so I took my attention away from him and turned my head to look at the guys. They looked away. Ray was holding my bottle of pills.

"We're sorry for what we did to you Gee. Can you forgive us?" Ray asked. 

"Yes, I can forgive you. But I don't understand why you would think that was okay"

"It wasn't okay. We should have told you." Frank said with down cast eyes.

"You didn't take any of these did you Gee?" Ray asked, holding out the bottle of pills.

"No, I didn't" He looked satisfied with my answer and then put the bottle in his pocket, knowing he shouldn't have left it in the bathroom the first time.

I pulled Mikey up off the floor and walked him over to his bed. I helped him climb in and he was asleep in a few minutes.  
  
Ray's POV

We are at a rest stop and everybody got off the bus to get some fresh air. We should be at our next destination in about 3 hours. We don't have a performance tonight so it will be a good rest for us. I start walking, just to stretch my legs. I hear something jingling around but I decide to ignore it and keep walking. It was pretty nice out today and a few children were playing games in the grass area of the rest stop. A few people were walking their dogs. I heard the jingling again and realized that it was Gerard's pills in my pocket. They were starting to annoy me so I pulled them out in an attempt to silence them. The label caught my eye and I started to read it. It said;

Prescription:  
Gerard Arthur Way  
Xanax  
for severe depression                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Directions:  
Take one pill every 6 hours, do not take on an empty stomach

Well shit. He actually does need these. I don't think he has taken any in about 2 days. That kind of explains how emotional he has been. I didn't know he had actually been to a doctor for his depression. It's worse than we thought, if that's possible. A combination of alcohol and Xanax can't be good for anyone. Of course he had been taking way more than the assigned dose. On top of that, I was pretty sure he was on some other drug as well. It had to be something more controlling, he would have told us by now if it wasn't a big deal. I'm afraid to ask what it is. Hopefully he will tell us soon, before something goes horribly wrong.

I walk back to the bus just as the others are starting to walk back. I wait by the door and Gerard is the first to get back. Mikey, Frank, and Bob have stopped to pet a dog. Then I do something I really don't want to do. 

"Hey Gerard." he stops and looks at me, i quickly look down. "um, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you actually needed these. I didn't know that you had medication for your depression. I sorry." I grabbed his hand and shook 2 pills into it. "Take it before Mikey sees" He looked conflicted. "hurry up, they're coming" he swallowed the pills without water, something I had seen him do many times before. I had given him 2 times the normal dose but his body was used to taking way more than that. I figured it was okay and we all got back on the bus. I watched as Gee took a seat on the couch, I sat next to him. In about 20 minutes he was asleep from the effects of the medication.

I pull out the Xanax bottle again and stare at it. This gets me a strange look from Frank and Bob. Mikey has gone to sleep in his bunk.

"What are you doing Ray?" asks Frank in a whisper. I sigh.

"I didn't realize that he actually needs these."

"What do you mean?" 

"It's Xanax, man. Do you know what its for?"

"No, I guess I don't."

"The prescription on the side of the bottle says 'for severe depression'. I didn't know it was that bad."

"He's been taking those for years. I didn't realize it was like that either."

"Don't tell Mikey but, I gave him some. He hasn't taken any in the past 2 days and I think it has really taken a toll on him." Frank nodded.

"How do you plan on getting him off those permanently?" Asked Bob in a whisper. I considered that question carefully. I know he has the will to but it's just a matter of getting rid of his bodies dependency on them.

"Very slowly"

Gerard's POV

I woke up to a headache. I have been sleeping on the couch. I know the headache was from taking the pills Ray gave me. Sometimes they made me drowsy too so I was still kind of sleepy. Mikey was shaking me. 

"Mikey... Stop it." I mumbled.

"No Gee, we're going grocery shopping. Do you want to come with?" He asked me.

"No, I want to sleep" I said. He sighed.

"Okay, are you sure?" I nodded.

"Fine" he turned to the others, "should someone stay with him?" He asked them.

"I'll stay, I don't like shopping anyway" Bob said. The others said goodbye and left the bus. Bob sat down in a chair. I knew I wouldn't go back to sleep, I never did after being woken up. Bob probably realized that too so he turned the Xbox on and asked me to play with him. Of course, I wanted to play. I love video games.

I pushed myself up off the couch and grabbed a controller. It was already 8 o'clock. Sitting on the ground, we started playing. It was nice to do something normal that I hadn't done in a while. Of course, Bob beat me at everything. When we finished playing we just sat there in silence. I felt gross. I wanted more cocaine. It was getting to me. I had more stored under my mattress but I knew I would have to wait until nobody was around.

Bob's POV

Gerard was just sitting there, not doing anything. I don't really know what to do. I just stayed behind to make sure he's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing.

Gerard winces and clutches his stomach. Then he hurriedly gets up and runs to the garbage can behind the counter.  I hear puking sounds, getting up, I walk around to the other side of the corner and open the refrigerator. I grab a bottle of water and hold it out to him. He takes it from me and swirls the water around in his mouth before spitting that in the trash too. Then he leans his back against the cabinets and closes his eyes, letting out a sigh.

"I know you hate me, I'm so pathetic" He tells me. 

"Don't say that Gerard. We all care about you. We wouldn't put up with this bullshit if we didn't care about you." I immediately regretted calling his struggles 'bullshit', he winced when I did. I know how hard he is trying to get rid of his problems. "Hey, I didn't mean that Gee, I'm sorry." He looks down.

"It's okay, it should have never gotten this far. You're right, this is a bunch of bullshit. I just can't do it anymore, the alcohol, the Xanax, the-" the bus door slammed open and the others walked on. Gerard got up and walked off the bus. The guys looked confused and looked to me for an explanation. 

"God dammit guys! He almost spilled!"

"Really, how'd you get him to do that?" Frank asked me.

"I don't really know, I think he just wants this all to be over, but something is holding him back. After he finished puking, he started talking about how we all hate him. I told him it wasn't true but I made the mistake of calling his problems 'bullshit'. I apologized but he agreed with me. And then he almost said it."

"We shouldn't push him, we already know it's something bad and he has already opened up so much." Ray said.   
  
Gerard's POV

I couldn't sleep because I had already slept for so long today. I lay in my bed with music in my ears and my curtain closed. The bus was parked in the parking lot of the stadium we have to play tomorrow. I guess that means that we don't have travel until after the show tomorrow.

I can feel my body urging me to drink, take pills, do more cocaine, just do something. I knew I wouldn't be able to get any alcohol or pills. Ray had either gotten rid of it all of hidden it really well. I had my cocaine under my mattress, nobody had found that. Quietly, I get out of bed, making sure to grab the drug from under the mattress. It's 3AM. Moving quietly, I make my way to the door.

I find a picnic table outside the back door of the stadium, nobody is around. Feeling guilty the whole time, I start snorting the substance that makes me feel like crap. Because I need it. Addiction really suck's, y'know? I think it's time to fess up about the cocaine. Nothing can make me feel worse than the guilt of everything I've done. Not even telling the guys what I couldn't tell myself for the longest time. I am addicted to cocaine.

I feel the high taking over me and sure enough the voice starts talking. "There's nothing wrong with you Gerard. Everything is fine. You don't have a problem. How can something you love be a problem." I tried to block it out but the drugs always made me more submissive. "Just keep going Gerard, you love it. You know you do." I love it. I can't stop. It feels to good. "Let's try to get all these people who are trying to take it away, off your back. Call your manager, tell him you don't have a problem. Tell him you’re okay."


	5. This Vanity I'm Breaking, Lets Me Live My Life Like This

Gerard's POV

The voice compelling me to, I walked down the street, looking for a convenience store that would be open at 4 in the morning. I spotted one on the corner about 2 blocks away from the stadium parking lot. Walking into the store, I went to the back to find where they kept the alcohol. Besides the clerk, I was the only one in the store. I placed the liquor on the counter and asked for a pack of cigarettes. Exiting the tiny store, I opened a beer bottle and started drinking. I had been too long without it. I managed to make it back to the parking lot without falling over into the bushes on the side of the sidewalk. I sat down at a park bench with my remaining beer bottles and pulled out my phone, fission blurry, it took me several tries to find Brian's contact. I hit the call button and waited for him to pick up.

Brian's POV

I was jolted out of sleep by my cell phone ringing next to my ear. These days I kept it close so that Gerard could reach me whenever he called. I fumbled around in the dark until my hand closed around it.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone. I could hear him giggling like an idiot on the other side of the line.

"Hi Brian! I am feeling great now. Maybe we were wrong, nothing is wrong with me!" more giggling. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something had gone wrong. Why did he go back!? He was doing so well and it actually seemed like he wanted to get better. God Dammit!

"Gerard, I want you to be honest with me. Are you drunk?"

"No, no. I only had like..." I hear him counting in the distance. "I only had like 5 Brian."

"I think your drunk Gerard. I thought you wanted to get better!"

"I'm not drunk Brian, I don't have a problem! Look, I'm putting it down now! See that wasn't hard! Don't fix something that isn't broken!"

"But you are broken Gerard. Why did you get drunk again? I thought you wanted to get better for Mikey and the others!" I was trying to guilt him into stopping.

"I'm not drunk and I don't have a problem." He does have a problem and it seems it's a lot worse than I originally thought. What is making him deny it? I had to make a decision here. I need to show him that if he keeps drinking and whatever else is doing, he is going to lose my support, and his band.

"Alright Gerard, if you’re going to be doing this, I'm not going to help you anymore. I'm going to hang up but I want you to think about the effects this is going to have on your band."

"But I feel great Brian! I don't understand why this is bad for the band!"

"Good Bye Gerard. I will talk to you when you are sober." And I hung up. God Dammit! Why does it have to be like this?!

I pull up Ray's contact in my phone and shoot him a text. "He just called me again. He is drunk off his ass! What happened? I couldn't get anything out of him." If he doesn't get the text now he will when he wakes up.  
  
Gerard's POV

What was Brian's problem?! I don't have a problem! "That's right Gerard, you are fine! Brian needs to Fuck off." Yeah, you're right Brian needs to leave me alone.

I feel dizzy but I get up and walk to the tour bus. I make it to the door before falling over and puking on the ground. Why am I puking? Nothing is wrong with me! The world goes black and the last feeling I have is of pain as my face hits the concrete.


	6. I'm Okay (Day 3)

  

Ray's POV

I woke up to the sound of my phone making a "ping!" sound next to my face. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes as I picked it up. Who the hell is texting me at 6 AM?! I click on the unread messages button. It's from Brian. This can't be good.

"He just called me again. He is drunk off his ass! What happened? I couldn't get anything out of him.”

Dammit!

I jump out of my bed and tear Gerard's curtain away. Not there. I struggle into my shoes and throw a jacket on. Thank God nobody else woke up. I can't deal with Mikey right now. I throw the door open and run down the steps. WHAM! I trip on something right outside the door.

"Ugh. What the fuck?! Gerard...?" He was laying on the ground outside the bus. I must have tripped on him in my rush to get out the door. There's a pile of puke next to him. At least he had managed to avoid it when he collapsed. I roll him over and notice his forehead, he only has a few scrapes but there is blood running down his face. I sigh and grab him around the middle, I try to pick him up but I’m not strong enough. Just then the door opens, I look up at Bob as he descends the steps.

“What’s going on out here… is that Gerard?” He already knows the answer of course.

“Just help me get him into his bed and then I will explain” I tell him and he picks up Gerard’s bottom half and we move him into the bus, placing him in his bed. I grab a paper towel and wipe the dried blood off his face. Then I go into the bathroom and dig around in Gerard’s bag until I find his foundation. I smear some over the scrapes on his face and hope that Mikey won’t notice. The less stress we can cause the kid the better.

I lead Bob back outside and get the hose from the back of the bus. I hook it up and wash the pavement off so that nobody will question the mess. 

“Okay! So, I woke up to my phone going off in my ear and it turns out Brian had texted me this” I show him the text.

“Shit, this is bad.” he says.

“Yep. This is pretty bad. I just don’t understand why he would do this. I know it’s hard but he’s stronger this… at least I thought he was.” The sun was starting to come up. 

“I think you should talk to him. He seems to listen to you more than the rest of us, probably because you aren’t as screwed up as the rest of us.” Bob said.

“Don’t say that! If anybody is screwed up, it’s Gerard. I’m trying not to be mad at him but it’s kind of hard.”

“Well, I don’t even know what to do. All I know is that we have to fix him before something really bad happens.”

“You probably didn’t know Bob, but before the band started, he had some really bad problems. That’s actually when the drinking started. He was super depressed and he was even suicidal. That’s why Mikey is so freaked out right now. He thought that those days were behind them but now, it’s getting thrown back in his face. The pills he takes are for his depression but his is so immune to them by now that they don’t work for long and aren’t as effective anymore. He has become addicted to them. I don’t know what else he’s on but it’s some kind of drug and I think it’s even more addictive than pills and alcohol. So, in other words, yes. Something way worse could happen. And I don’t know what to do either.” Well I managed to get it all out in a relatively short statement but Bob was still a little surprised at all I had to say.

“Wow. I didn’t know it was that bad before. This is really bad. We have to think of some way to help him... Auugh! I hate this! Being so useless as my friend slowly drinks his life away sucks ass!” 

“I know. I know! Just keep your voice down. I will talk to him later. Will you just try to get Frank and Mikey out of the bus for a while later today?” 

“Yeah, okay. I think I can do that.”

“Good. Just make sure Mikey doesn’t find out. You can tell Frank if you have to but… please don’t tell Mikey!”

“I understand. Got it.”

(later that day)

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us Ray?” Mikey asked me. 

“Yeah I’m sure. I don’t feel very good right now.” It was a lie. I would definitely rather go bowling with the guys than stay here and ‘express my concern”s to Gerard as I have chosen to call it. He is still sleeping off the hangover. I hope they will be gone long enough for Gerard to wake up. 

Sure enough, it takes less than an hour before he is up and puking his guts out in the trash can. 

"I think I'm sick."

"No Gerard, you have a hangover." I say simply, hoping he won't deny the error of his ways.

"Why would I have a hangover?! I wasn't drunk."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I thought you were getting better Gerard, you can't just give up after two and a half days! This is ridiculous! I don't know if I should slap you or ... Ugh! I just don't know!" I finally blew up on him.

"There is nothing wrong with me, Ray! I don't understand you!”

"Well, I don't understand you! Yesterday you wanted to be better! You wanted to stop being drunk and fucked up all the time!"

"I'm not drunk, I wasn't drunk last night and I'm not fucked up!" He yelled back at me. "I don't understand why you think I need saving!" I sighed inwardly, did he really think that way. Was this all real? We just want the old Gerard back. He needs to go back to the way he was before he started all of this. He hardly ever draws anymore, he doesn't read comic books. Whenever he's not drunk or high, all he does is sit there and stare into blank space. Depression has stolen our friend from us and we have to get him back.

"I can't believe you! Do you even realize what this is doing to us, what this is doing to your brother?! What about the band. Your dependency on alcohol and drugs is ruining everything you wanted your life to be and everything we, as a group, have worked for!" He wasn't even blinking an eye. "If you aren't going to listen to me, I'm not going to waste my breath." I started toward the door but then I turn back around. "We didn't even tell Mikey about what you did last night. Make sure it stays that way." I walk out the door. It was kind of my instinct to protect Mikey in this kind of situation. He has been my friend for a long time and I can't stand to see him breaking down like I know he is on the inside. It hurts to see my friends in so much pain but Mikey is not the main problem right now. Gerard is causing me the most pain.

Gerard’s POV

After Ray left for his walk or whatever he was doing, I went into the bathroom searching around for my Xanax. I tried to think about where Ray would have put it. I can’t think of anywhere but when I open his bag I see it at the bottom. I’m not going to let them stop me from getting what I need. 

I only take one pill because it makes me sleepy and we have to perform later tonight. Then I turn the shower on and get in. Finally, we are hooked up to a water system! I was pretty sure that everyone else had showered last night. After washing my hair, I get out and dry off. Then I put on my skeleton pajamas. 

I hop up into my bed, closing the curtain. Then I put headphones my headphones in. The pill is already taking effect on me so I can’t help but drift in and out of sleep.

At about 5:30 the I hear a loud banging as the door slams open and Frank, Bob and Mikey walk in, followed by Ray. He must have met them outside. 

I hear the familiar sound of footsteps approaching my bunk and sure enough, the curtain is pulled aside to reveal Mikey.

“Hey Gerard, it’s time to get ready for our performance.” I sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. I go into the bathroom to grab my makeup bag and I silently freak out as I see that I had never put the pill bottle away. I mutter something about having to pee and then I hurriedly close the door so that they won’t see it. I place the lid back on the bottle and try to arrange it in Ray’s bag so that he won’t suspect that I had used it again. Then I flush the toilet and turn the water on so that they think I was actually using the bathroom. 

I walk out and grab my show clothes from where I had left them last time I used them. I strip off the pajamas and put my other clothes on. Then I find one of the many mirrors on the walls of the bus and start applying my makeup.

When everybody is ready, we walk out the door of the bus and across the parking lot to the back door of the arena. I already notice that there are bodyguards following us. That probably means that there are already fans arriving for the concert.

We kind of just hang around backstage until one of the stage crew comes to tell us it is time for us to go on. The whole time we have been sitting in silence. Mikey was playing games on his phone but the others just sat there and zoned out. Ray didn’t look at me once.

We opened the concert with “Thank You for The Venom” and played almost every song from both albums, ending on “Honey, This Mirror Isn’t Big Enough for the Two of Us”. We exited the stage to massive applause and cheering. Sure enough, there was Bert McCracken waiting for me. Of course, I was happy to see him but nobody else was. None of them approved of him in the slightest. He thrust a solo cup into my hand as soon as we came within arm’s reach and I drank the mystery liquid, aware that my band was watching me. Probably the only thing that stopped Ray from punching me in the face was the fact that Mikey was still here, only about 10 feet away. He had turned away when he saw Bert.

Making sure that Mikey had his back turned, Frank approached my shoulder and whispered into my ear; “What the fuck are you doing?!” He looked slightly angry.

“Chill out, Frank. I’m fine.” He backed off a little as a glared at him. We then continued to party but I didn’t see Ray anywhere. He had probably gone back to the bus so that he didn’t have to see me “Ruin myself”.

The party didn’t last very long so after about an hour we all headed back to the bus to play video games. Ray was in the shower when we got there. Thank God! I do not need him on my back twice in one day. The other guys were a little bit drunk too so they didn’t really notice that I wasn’t sober. Ray opened the door of the bathroom and Mikey rushed in. Ray laughed a little but didn’t come join us. He laid down in his bunk and closed the curtain. A few hours later, the rest of the guys went to bed but I just sat down on the couch. I had slept for pretty much the whole day so I knew that I wouldn’t sleep tonight.


	7. Let Me Break this Awkward Silence

Ray’s POV

I rushed back to the bus after the show, not wanting to watch Gerard drink. I just hoped that Mikey was drunk enough not to notice that Gerard had given up on getting sober. Had he really just given up? That wasn’t like him. Was it? It was like I didn’t even know him anymore. He’s in the grip of something else. I have to find out what it is. Just two days ago he was sitting on the couch sobbing into his knees because he needed help and now this?! God Dammit! Unable to control my frustration, I punch the brick wall we had parked the bus close to.

“Ugh” I groan in pain as I see my bloody knuckles. I walk up the stairs and head for my suitcase. I pull out pajama bottoms, boxers and an old t-shirt. Then, I head to the bathroom to take a long shower. Hopefully it will clear my mind.

I stand under the water for about an hour when I hear the bus door open and slam shut. I hear laughing and the the TV turning on. I decide that it’s time to get out so I turn the water off and pull my clothes on without drying off. I know I will regret the decision in the morning. My hair will tangle and it’s already hard enough to deal with. Maybe that’s why they call me “Princess Fro Fro”. My fro requires constant brushing and apparently, a princess brushes their hair all day.

I let the thought keep me occupied while I step out of the bathroom and am met with Mikey almost tackling me to get to the bathroom. I laugh and climb into my bunk but not before seeing the rest of the band sitting in the main part of the bus. They all look a little drunk but I dont want to think about it too much.

Despite me making a point not to think about it, here I am, thinking about it. How the fuck am I going to catch Gerard in the act of whatever he is doing? He pretty much never leaves our sight, except whenever he’s with Bert… shit! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?! Of course, he was getting it from that dirt bag. Bert does or has done probably just about any drug you could think of. I guess I will have to pay him a visit. Soon. Like, tonight.

I decided to set my alarm for about 

3:30. Everyone would be asleep so I wouldn’t have to worry about them following me. I just hope that Bert wouldn’t be asleep. I don’t like him but if I want him to tell me anything, I will have to be nice to him.  
  
Gerard’s POV

I sit on the couch in silence. I’m not tired but there’s nothing to do because everybody is asleep. The world is a little dizzy from the alcohol but I feel so… good. It’s been hard the last few days, trying not to drink. I don’t know what I was thinking! How can something that makes me feel this good be bad for me?! I don’t have a problem. In fact, trying to quit was the problem. When I don’t drink, I just get sick and throw up. This is way better!

I drag myself off the couch and over to my bed. At least I might be able to pretend that I’m asleep. That would keep everyone off my back for a couple hours at least. I climb in and close the curtain. Now all I have to do is wait for my regular time to call Brian. I don’t know why I still call him. It doesn’t matter anymore. I guess it is just a habit, or maybe it's my subconscious trying to realize something, but I don't think I have anything to realize. And that brings me back to not knowing why I still call Brian. I put in my earbuds and turn the music up.

It is about 3:30, I hear someone rustling around in there bed. Then Ray hits his head on the top of his bunk, which also happened to be the bottom of mine. He quietly curses the bunk. I wonder what he’s doing but I pretend to be asleep because he will most likely check on me. Sure enough, I hear my curtain being pulled aside and then pulled back into place. I get the feeling that he’s not just going to the bathroom. My premonition is confirmed when I hear the bus door open and shut. I decide that it’s best not to follow him, he would probably find out if I had followed him. Therefore, I just lay there and listened to my music, the world still spinning around me.

Ray’s POV

  
I walked out the bus door, praying that I hadn’t woken anyone up. The cold night air helped to clear the sleepiness out of my eyes. I walked across the parking lot to “The Used” tour bus. The lights were still on and I could hear music getting louder as I got closer. I approached the steps and banged on the door, fearing that they wouldn’t be able to hear me if i wasn’t loud enough. The door swung open to a surprised looking Bert. He looked pretty fucked up and I could smell many different smells coming from the inside of the bus.

“Hey Bert, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked politely. He nodded and stepped down from the bus.

“What do you want to talk about Toro?” He asked me. His words were a little slurred but he was still sober enough to answer questions.

“I know, that we both know, that Gerard is doing some kind of drug, and I think you know where he’s getting it from. I want to know what it is and I want to know where he’s getting it.”

"I could defiantly tell you all that but- I not going to! So tough luck and goodbye!" He made for the door. I guess we will have to do this the hard way. I grab him by the wrist and twist his arm around his back, forcing him to his knees. He gasps in surprise.

"What the fuck are you doing Toro!" He yelled.

"Since subtle hints didn't work, I guess I will have to just ask. What the hell have you been giving him?" I ask in a menacing voice.

"I haven't given him anything!" I know it's a lie.

"Don't give me that bullshit! I know what you like to do for fun and when Gerard's not with us, he's with you! You are the only one he could be getting from! So why don't you just tell me before I make you tell me?!" I am very protective of my friends, even if they are fucked up assholes like Gerard.

"Alright! Alright! It was me! I gave it to him! Would you please just let go of my arm?!" I let go, hoping that I wouldn't have to use force anymore.

"And what is it you have been giving him dear Bert?" I ask sweetly but with a hint of venom in his voice.

"None of your fuckin' business!" He yelled before running up the bus steps. He disappeared before I could stop him. I wonder if he was actually afraid of me. Maybe he was just too drunk and hi to function right. I walk back to the bus while sending a text to Brian.

"McCraken is the dealer. That's where he's getting it from." He texted back almost immediately, I was surprised he is up this late.

"What is he getting from Bert?"

"Drugs. Not sure what kind."

"Can you search his stuff or something?"

"Not while he's here. He's sleeping now but he was drinking earlier tonight."

"Great, I guess I know what we are going to talk about when he calls tonight." I became confused when I read this text. What did he mean "when he calls."?

"What do you mean? Does he call often?"

"Every morning at about 5." I wasn't sure how I felt about that, that means that he gets up before 5 every morning and is alone until God knows when, doing whatever he wants to do without us finding out.

"Well alright then. What do you guys talk about?"

"The first few times were about getting sober and his depression but last night it was just him drunk off his ass trying to convince me that he doesn't have a problem."

"That's what today has been like, he is in denial."

"I don't know if it's denial, he keeps mixing the alcohol and pills and drugs with his depression and I think that is making it worse. Just keep an eye on him."

"I am tired of just keeping an eye on him. It's obviously not working. We have to do something Brian. I'm worried that he's going to become suicidal again. You remember that don't you?"

"Yes, and I wish it had never happened. I will try to get it out of him."

 

"Good luck!" I meant it in a sarcastic way and also a literal way. The way Gerard was acting, you were lucky if you could get him to talk about anything.  
I had reached the bus door, I opened it and ascended the steps quietly. Making my way to the bunk room, I checked on Gerard. He was still there. I was tempted to wait up a little while longer until he woke up but I decided I was too tired. I climbed into bed and fell asleep.  
  
Gerard's POV  
  
I heard a sound penetrate through my head phones as Ray returned to the bus. I lay still and started slowing my breathing so as to look like I was asleep. Ray pulled the curtain aside and then closed it after a moment. As soon as he did, I checked the time, it was 4:30. I waited a few minutes until I could hear his snoring and then as quietly as I could, I got out of my bunk and made for the door. I stumbled down the steps but managed to keep from falling down.

I walked over to a bench under a street lamp and sat down before I fell down. I don't know why I'm having this much trouble standing up, I didn't drink anywhere near the amount I usually do. Ugh. I need pills.

I pull out my phone and dial the number I have memorized by now. It only rings once before he picks up.

"Hello, how was today?"

"It was good, the show went well and I feel pretty good. I haven't been able to sleep though. I slept for a long time earlier." I tried to keep the conversation away from what everybody insisted on calling a "problem". I knew it wouldn't last but it was worth a try.

"I'm glad the show went well but that's not what this call is about Gee, and you know it."

"What do I know Brian?" I asked with the same amount of heat in my voice as he had in his.

"You know a lot less then you think you do."

"Really? And what makes you say that?" I ask with sarcasm in my voice.

"You think you've kept your drug addiction a secret. Well you haven't. Ray figured it out Gerard. Now spit it out what did McCracken give you?!" I remained silent for a long time. How the fuck did Ray figure it out?! I thought I was being careful. A knot formed in the back of my throat and when I spoke I stuttered.

"I-I don't have an addiction."

"Yes, you do Gerard. Just fucking admit it already so we can get you help."

"I don't need help! I don't know what you are talking about!"

"I also know that you were drunk today. What the fuck is wrong with you Gee?! You are destroying your life and that of everybody around you! Mikey is a wreak and Frank and Bob is just trying to ignore it and give you space but that's not what you need. You need help!" I was almost crying now and I didn't trust myself to speak. There was no way that doing the things I like is bad for my friends. Is it? No way.

"I'll talk to you later Brian. I can't deal with this right now." My voice cracked.

"Don't you dare hang up this phone Gerard! Stop running from your problems you coward!" I brought the phone away from my ear and pressed the end call button on the key board. I silence my phone so that if Brian tries to call back I won't wake anybody up. Then the tears started running down my face. My friends finding out about me doing drugs was my worst fear and now that Ray and Brian knew, Frank and Bob will probably be told tomorrow. Mikey will find out soon enough. God dammit! I get up and start slowly walking to the bus, hoping the tears will stop before I wake anybody up. It takes a few minutes but by the time I reach the door, I am wiping the remnants from my eyes.

I climb the steps to the sound of my friends snoring. It's dark everywhere. I head to the bathroom and search around for Ray's bag. I find it in the Cabinet under the sink and dig around until I find the remaining Xanax pills. I pop three in my mouth and then try to put Ray's bag back the way it was with limited success. I hope he won't notice.

Then I leave the bathroom and get into my bed, hoping for a good few hours of medicated sleep.


	8. I'm Okay? (Day 4)

  

***Trigger Warning***

 

Frank's POV

  
I awoke to Ray shaking me. I winced and clutched my head. It was light outside but that didn't mean much. It was probably really early.

"Go away Ray, I'm tired and I have a hangover." I said as I rolled over.

"Just get up Frank, and don't wake Gerard and Mikey up. We need to talk" This caught my attention. If he didn't want Gerard and Mikey to wake up, then it was probably something involving Gerard and something that Mikey didn't need to know yet. I pulled myself out of bed and followed him out the bus door where Bob was already waiting. I tried my best to push my headache to the back of my mind.

"What's this about Ray?" I ask him, hoping that whatever Gerard did this time wasn't the worst thing ever.

"Well, you know how Gerard was hiding something from us?"

"What do you mean 'was'?! Did you figure something out?!" I asked excitedly. Bob also had a surprised expression on his face. Just then the bus door swung open to reveal a now very much awake Mikey, he was clinging to a stuffed unicorn.

"Shit, well I guess you had to figure out sooner or later. Come on then." Ray told him. Mikey lowered his eyes to the ground and looked like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of this conversation but he stepped out of the bus anyway.

"As I was saying, Me and Brian know what Gerard has been keeping from us." He started once Mikey had sat down on the curb. "Please just try to stay calm when I tell you." That was mostly aimed at Mikey. "Gerard is... a drug addict." I felt my stomach drop and my heart stop for a moment. I looked over at Mikey and Bob to see their reactions and observed something similar to my own on Bob. Mikey on the other hand was completely strait faced.

"Wow are you really okay with this Mikey?" I asked him in disbelief.

"I kind of... already knew." He said with a little shake in his voice. "I was just hoping it wasn't true."  
"How the hell did you know?! I know you're related and stuff but he has hidden it so well!" Bob asked him with little regard for his fragile feelings.

"There have been... incidents before." He replied, unsure of himself.

"What do you mean?" He had a sullen look on his face, like he didn't really want to talk about it. Well to bad. This band tells each other everything or we will figure it out. "Come on Mikey, you know we'll force it out of you sooner or later." I hated talking to him like this.

He sighed and slumped his shoulders. "When Gerard was going to art school and I was still in my last two years of high school, his depression was at its worst. Believe it or not, how he is now is an improvement." He paused. "We shared a really bad drug problem." There was a collective gasp.

"You too Mikey?" Ray asked with a little disappointment showing in his voice.

"Yes, me too." I could tell it was hard for him to talk about this.

"He started first and never wanted to get me involved but one day when he was passed out on his dorm room couch I found his supply and I tried it and just like that I got hooked. He felt horrible for it but pretty much all we ever did after that was get hi and go drinking at parties. That's why he's so afraid of needles. He's injected so many things into his body and it has caused him so much psychological pain that whenever he sees a needle he freaks out."

"What were you guys on before? It could help us figure out what he's using now."

"You mean you don't know?" He asked Ray surprised.

"That was the one thing I couldn't pry out of McCraken last night." Ray answered.

"How does Bert fit into this?" I asked him.

"He's the dealer." We all groaned. "You never answered my question Mikey." We all turned back to Mikey.

"We kind of did everything. We were big on Marijuana and Cocaine, speed. I don't really know the extent of all the things we did." He looked sad, remembering his dark days.

"Well, your clean now. Right?" I asked him. I'm actually really nervous for his answer.

"Yes, I'm clean but Gerard has always had a tendency to go back to it and he's never been able to ditch the alcohol. I guess it got him pretty hard this time. I'm really surprised that you guys haven't noticed yet. You know those few times he disappeared during recording and a couple other times? No doubt he was getting hi off something." We all remained silent. I remembered the times Gerard had disappeared and how Mikey had suggested we go look for him. We had all just decided that the stress was getting to be too much for him and he needed some time alone. Guess we were wrong.

I didn't really want to ask, just because I knew that he probably didn't want to talk about it, but I had to know. "How did you get clean?" He glanced up at me and then back down, hugging his unicorn tighter to his chest.

"I had an overdose." He winced at the awful memory. "Gerard hadn't been with me when I was getting hi but he was the one that found me and rushed me to the hospital. After that, we both kind of... stopped but Gerard hasn't been able to stay clean." He pushed his face into his unicorn. "Jesus Crist! I almost died!"

"That bad, hu?" Bob asked. Mikey just nodded into the unicorn.

"How come you didn't tell us about this before Mikey?" I asked him trying to keep my voice gentle.

"I thought you guys would be mad at Me and Gerard. He doesn't need that right now. You know how it is." I'm not mad at him or Gerard. I'm just kind of disappointed in them for getting into this in the first place. But I'm also proud of Mikey for kicking his addiction. But there's something else there too. I'm almost proud of Gerard for being able to carry on this long and not... die. I want to help him but I can't help him if he won't help himself.

We get up and make our way inside where Mikey curls up on the couch with his unicorn. Bob sits next to him and turns Family Guy on which seems to distract him a little bit.

"Hey... I think we should search his stuff when he wakes up, do you think he will let us? Without fighting back?" Ray says.

"Well if he doesn't let us, we'll know he has something to hide." Bob says. I nod, secretly hoping that he does resist so that we can figure out what he's addicted to, I know the others are probably thinking the same thing.

It wasn't until about noon that Gerard finally stirred from his sleep. Until now we had been silently staring out the windows as the cars and fields passed by. Or playing games on our phones. Nobody wanted to talk about what was about to happen so we submitted ourselves to several hours of silence. Mikey was still lying on the couch, his feet on top of Bob's lap. He had his face buried in the cushions.

My head snapped up when I heard him stumbling out of his bunk. He cursed when he hit the bunks on the other side of the tiny room. Mikey was looking now too. The redness around his eyes betrayed the fact he had been silently crying into the couch.

Ray got up from his arm chair and walked over to Gerard, grabbing him by the shoulders. The look on Gerard's face was something between fear and surprise.

"Sit down before you fall on your ass." He said, steering him toward the arm chair. He stood in front of him with his arms crossed.

"Have a nice little talk with Brian last night?" He asked.

"I don't know what you-"

"Don't give me that bullshit Gerard! You know what this is about, you're not the only one who talks to our manager. Didn't he tell you? That little thing you've been hiding? We all know Gerard. Just stop pretending like you’re okay because you're not and you're the only one that doesn't see that!" He looked really pissed off. Gerard leaned back in the chair, a look on his face that I couldn't quite decipher.

"Are you going to let me search your stuff or does someone have to hold you down?" Gerard leaned forward and put his forehead in his hands, looking at the floor. He hasn't said a word. "I guess that means you aren't going to stop me." He stated it rather than ask a question. He shot me a meaningful look, I got up and followed him to the bunks where we pulled his suit case out from the storage area and started riffling through the clothes and other belongings. I pulled out a stack of comic books and bag of extra makeup, his drawing supplies. Ray reaches to the bottom of the case and comes out holding a bunch of used plastic bags? What the fuck. He holds them out with a confused look on his face, then he puts them aside so we can finish looking through Gerard's stuff.

We zip the suit case back up and then move on to his bed. I feel wrong searching through his stuff, I know that we have to but it just feels... Invasive. I know I shouldn't trust him but it's hard, he's my best friend and I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

We pull the sheets of his mattress and pillow but we don't find anything so we remake the bed. Then Ray grabs the handful of plastic bags and walks back out into the main part of the bus. He stands in front of Gerard.

"I suppose you aren't going to tell us what was in these?" He asks, frustration in his voice. Mikey gets up and slowly crosses over to him, he puts his hands on his shoulders to try making him look up.

"Gee, look at me." Gerard looks up, a blank look on his face. "What was in those bags?" He clenches his jaw and then looks away.

"You're hardly one to talk Mikey." Great. The first thing that comes out of his mouth is hurtful, to his biggest supporter. Mikey's shoulders drop and his hands drop to his sides. He goes back and sits on the couch with his legs pulled to his chest and his face in his knees.

"That was uncalled for Gerard." Ray said. "He just wants to help you."

"Maybe I don't want help." Gerard said, that was the closest thing he had said to admitting he had a drug problem.

"Do you even know what you're saying?! You are ruining your life with this! Just tell us what you are on so we can help you get off of it!"

"I don't want to tell you!"

"Why won't you let us help you Gee?! We just want you to be back to the way you used to be!" We were all screaming at this point. Luckily, the bus was parked now and the driver has left. We really need to keep this quiet, nobody but us and Brian need to know about this. Gerard suddenly stood up, turning away from us, he started to walk toward the door.

"Hey! Where are you going? We aren't done talking to you." Bob moved to block his way. Gerard's face was hidden by shadows but it was still clear that he was starting to cry.

"All you're doing is yelling." He sobbed and pushed past Bob, I watched as he disappeared around a corner.

It made me so sad, not because I had to see him like this, but because I didn't want him to feel this way anymore. He's always so sad. The reason he is so addicted to self-destruction is because he hates himself. Until now, it hadn't occurred to me that maybe this was more than an addiction, it was also a sadness.  
  
Gerard's POV  
  
I had been stunned into silence ever since Ray had pushed me down into the chair. I hid my face in my hands, not wanting to show my embarrassment at them all knowing what I had tried so hard to keep a secret. I also didn't want to see the disappointment written on their faces. When Ray came back with a handful of plastic bags, I was only half paying attention. I didn't want to tell them about the drugs. And what I had said to Mikey... I already regretted it. That's why I left. I hate hurting the people I love but I am addicted to the pain I cause myself.

Why can't they see that I don't want to get better? Yes, I admit it's unhealthy but maybe that's why I do it. If I could just die, I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore and they wouldn't have to put up with me. But was I really ready to go? I pushed the thought to the back of my head as I sat down against a tree in a little park I had found. There was a little lake near the park and my mind flashed to a vision of myself drowning, then it flashed back. Was that the way I was going to go? I hadn’t decided yet.

I put my head in my hands again, tears dripping into the grass. I hear the sound of footsteps approaching. Of course, they had followed me. I looked up into Mikey's eyes and then back down when I saw the tears there. He sat down next to me and pulled me into his chest, realizing how much I had missed being this close to him, I clung to his small frame and balled my eyes out.

"I'm sorry I said that to you Mikey!" I sobbed out.

"It okay Gee, I'm sorry they all yelled at you, you don't need that." I was still crying.

"Will you come back with me? They promised to stop asking you. I told them you weren't ready."

"A- are you sure?"

"Yes." I broke the hug that may or may not be the last one I ever have with him.

The Bus

I hesitated outside the bus door. I didn't want to see angry and disappointed faces from the people I loved.

"It's okay Gerard, they already went to sound check." I followed him in then. It was already past 2 o'clock. I let Mikey get his performance clothes on first. While I wait, I lean against the counter top and try to think about something other than my sad life.

I search the counter tops for something to occupy my mind and my eyes lock on to a knife lying next to the counter top. I have a sinking feeling, knowing what I'm about to do. I had heard that it helps you forget things.

I pick up the knife and roll back my sleeve, revealing my pail wrist. Without a second thought, I drag the sharp edge across my wrist. It leaves behind a shallow gash which slowly oozes blood. I gasp in the guilty pleasure. I hadn't expected it to feel so good, the burning sensation increases when I make 2 more cuts next to the first.  
I revel in the pain but when the door swings open and Frank walks in, I drop the bloody knife and try to hide my arm. It doesn't work. He stares at me with wide eyes and rushes over. I try to pull away but he grabs my arm in an iron like grip and puts a hand over my mouth so I wouldn't cry out. He probably didn't want Mikey to know about me cutting myself. Mikey tries to act strong but we all know he was about to break on the inside.

"Why did you do this Gee?!" He squeaked with a hurt look on his face. I just shook my head and looked at the ground.

"Are you... Oh god! Are you suicidal again?!" His voice was cracking. This time I didn't shake my head.

He pulled me into his arms, my blood getting on his t-shirt. He didn't seem to care but he soon let go of me and forced me to hold my arm under running water while he dug the first aid kit out from under the kitchen sink. He turned off the water and held a wad of paper towels to the wounds, applying pressure. When he was sure it had stopped bleeding, he removed the towels and wrapped my arm in gauze before tapping it down with medical tape. He didn't bother to clean the wound because I had probably bled out anything infectious.

When he was satisfied with his work, he pulled me over to the couch and made me sit down. He sat next to me and held the hand on my injured arm.

"Are you going to tell the rest of the band about this?" He began working my sleeve back down.

"Probably not. I hate that you worry about me."

"Then why do you do this?"

"Because I can't stop." I said back in a sad voice.

"Why do you think you deserve to die?" The bathroom door swung open and Mikey walked out with his makeup and show clothes on. He stared at Frank.

"What are you doing here? I thought you went to sound check."

"I did, but I came back to get my cell phone. You guys missed sound check by the way, don't worry we tuned your bass and the mic sounds good." He got up and went to the door. "Ray and Bob are waiting in the dressing room." We watched him leave.

I got to my feet and went to the bathroom to do my make up and get dressed. I looked at my flushed face in the mirror and decided it would be hard to make myself paler but I applied the foundation anyway.

It took me about 20 minutes to get ready and when I walked out of the bathroom, me and Mikey walked to the club together. This was kind of a big club, it was about 1,500 people at maximum capacity. We went in the back door and a few people stared, considering I had been absent for the whole day, that wasn't surprising.  
Mikey went off down one hall way that I guessed led to the dressing room. I didn't want to go there but Mikey dragged me with him and I had no choice but to go with him. He opened the door and dragged me in. Frank, Ray and Bob stared as Mikey pushed me down into a chair. The room maintained an awkward silence until a stage hand peaked his head through the door, telling us it was time to go on. We walked to the door and but before I could leave, Ray grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around to face him. He had a "don't fuck with me" look in his eye.

"I know you are having problems right now and I'm sorry for all the yelling earlier but you need to leave everything in this room. Do not let it transfer over to the fans."

"Don't worry, I'm a good actor." I thought I heard him mutter something along the lines of "damn right you are" under his voice but I choose to ignore it and focus on getting into character.

Once we entered stage, no matter how hard I tried not to let it happen, the sight of all those people waiting for us struck fear into my very soul. It hit me that I had never performed without some kind of alcohol or drug in me. I knew that tonight wouldn't be any different.

Before going on, I had grabbed a beer from a nearby cooler. I recalled placing it at the bottom of the drum platform a few minutes before they turned the stage lights on. Now, as we finished the opening song, I went and took a big drink of the alcohol, hoping it would calm my nerves. The fans didn't think anything of it but I knew that the guys were glaring daggers at me. Chill out guys. Even if I had wanted to get sober, which I didn't, I would still have to drink so I didn't get sick with withdrawal symptoms. I hate being sick. I know Frank can relate to that, he's always getting sick.

We continued with the show, I knew the fans were waiting for the stage gay between me and Frank but he never got close enough for our little act. I guess he really was mad at me.

I heard the starting notes of Cemetery Drive and we started singing. I turned around to look at my band as I sang the "way down" part and laughed as I saw Frank trip Mikey. I said, more than sang, the "way down" part after that.

We ended the show with Helena and then we ran off the stage and out the back door into a waiting crowd of fans. There didn't seem to be any security in this place. We made our way through the crowd, stopping for pictures and autographs along the way. It took us about an hour to get to the bus.

I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I took my shirt off and was a little surprised to see the bandage on my wrist. I had forgot all about it. I ripped it off and set it on the counter top, I inspected the wounds. There wasn't enough pain.  
I squeezed my wrist and sighed as fresh blood oozed out. There wasn't much, not nearly enough to die of blood loss. What a shame.

I stepped into the shower and bloody water ran down the drain. I washed my hair and then stepped out, wrapping a towel around myself. I checked the bottom of the shower to make sure the blood had been washed down, it had. Then I walked out of the bathroom. Everyone else glanced up and then back to whatever they had been doing. I started getting dressed. Long sleeve shirt.

Bob got up, grabbed a towel out of his suit case and then walked into the bathroom. It was only a matter of seconds before the door slammed open and Bob stormed out.

"What the fuck is this?!" He yelled in my face. Goddammit! In my slightly drunken stupor, I had left my bandage on the counter top.

"Um... I-"

"Don't you dare lie to me Way!" He grabbed my wrist before I could react. Forcing me to turn my arm, he pushed my sleeve up and revealed the cuts I had made. Gasping he let go and I pulled my arm back, eyes cast to the ground. Frank timidly walked over and gathered me in his arms as the tears started to flow. I wept into his shoulder as the rest of the band surrounded me. They guided us over to the couch and I collapsed as if my legs didn't work anymore.

"Gerard, look at me." It was Ray. I obeyed, knowing that I wouldn't win the battle. "We need to talk about this. Why did you start cutting?" I didn't answer, only cried some more. I can't do this! I don't want them to know! It will be easier that way... They won't see it coming. They won't be able to stop me. Franks shirt was soaked by now.

"Did you know about this Frank?" Ray asked gently, trying not to upset anybody. Frank sighed.

"Yes, I caught him doing it. It was right before the show and I didn't want to mess it up." Ray nodded his understanding. We heard a choked sob from the corner of the room and realized that Mikey was holding back tears. Ray went over and hugged him but Mikey went to say something.

"T-The last time his -hiccup- depression was this bad, I had to stop him from h-hurting himself. He was suicidal then." This time he clung to Ray and cried.

"Gerard, are you..." Frank cut him off with a small nod and the bus fell silent. Everyone stared at me, my breath had slowed by now.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." I breathed out.

"What do you mean Gee?"

"I'm sorry you care about me, I'm sorry you have to see me like this, I'm sorry I'm worthless, I'm sorry I'm depressed, I'm sorry about the alcohol, I'm sorry about the cutting, I'm sorry about the drugs and I'm sorry I'm still alive!" It all poured out at once and I started hyperventilating, I could hear them trying to reach me as my vision clouded and my world went black.  
  
Ray's POV

The things Gerard had said were shocking to say the least. Mikey had gone to bed soon after Gerard passed out. He said he needed to be alone and to let his thoughts arrange themselves. Frank and Bob had soon followed him, we were all tired from the show but I was determined to stay up and watch Gerard. I needed to make sure he didn't try to commit suicide.

We didn't bother moving him to his bed, he was still on the couch, it was easier to watch him this way anyway. I sighed and pulled out my phone. It was 9 o'clock. I opened my messages and found mine and Brian's conversation. I typed a message that I knew he wouldn't want to read;

"He had a breakdown after the show today. He has started cutting his wrists and he is suicidal again."  
  
Gerard's POV  
  
I woke up several hours later, I was laying on the couch and all the lights were off. I groaned and sat up, checking the time, it was midnight. The guys must have gone to bed earlier tonight. They must have been tired from our 3 o'clock show. I noticed Ray sitting in one of the recliners across the from the couch. He was asleep with his phone laying in his leg.

I recalled the things I said to them a few hours ago and I groaned at the memory. I didn't want this. I don't want them to know about all my problems. I don't want them to love me. I don't deserve their love. I just want to die because I'm so screwed up but I don't want to leave my friends. To be or not to be? That is the question.

I forced myself off the couch and out the door of the bus. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes I looked across the parking lot to where I knew Bert would be. Walking over there, I had a feeling of want but also of dread. I wanted drugs and alcohol and I knew something bad would happen tonight.

Entering the bus, I was met with cheerful stoned faces. Bert walked over to me and thrust a beer into my hand, which I took.

"Look who's here guys! Good to see you Gee! Did you finally give them the slip?"

"I guess so." I said and put on a fake smile. He threw his arm over my shoulders and steered me toward a seat. He pulled a bag of white powder out of a kitchen cabinet and threw it to me. I wasted no time opening the bag and started snorting the substance.

I didn't stop for a long time.


	9. Fire at Will

   

Gerard's POV

I forced my eyes open, my face was pressed against the ground. I must have blacked out after snorting all the crack and drinking all the beer I could get my hands on. I remembered stumbling out of "The Used" tour bus and puking several times before I blacked out. I have a memory hole and now I'm here. Through my blurry vision I see painted yellow lines. I must be in the road. Good. Maybe someone will run me over.

My breathing is heavy and I can feel feel my stomach convulsing. There isn't anything to puke up anymore. I felt like crap and fresh tears started to fill my eyes, the pain was just too much to bear anymore. Why the fuck am I crying? I did this to myself! I wanted this!

The weight of the last few days comes crashing down all at once. Why am I so sad all the time? Why does it have to be this way? Why am I so fucked up? Why did I do this to myself? Why do I hate living? Why do I hate myself? Why have I not killed myself by now? So many questions I will never know the answer to. This ends tonight.

Despite my resolution, I can't seem to force myself up. I lay there with tears streaming down my face and I start to think how it would be without me here. Would My Chemical Romance be over? probably not. They would just find someone else to fill my spot. Would Mikey be lonely? No. He probably hates me. I'm horrible to him. What about Frank, Ray and Bob? They could forget. They would have to.

I was in hysterics now. I couldn't seem to stop wailing like a little baby. The people I loved and cared about wouldn't even care that I was gone. They would all move on with their lives and mine would end tonight. I wish I could give them something other than worry. It wasn't worry for me, they were worried that I would screw up the band, that I would give them a bad reputation. This is my gift to them. When I'm gone they won't have to worry anymore. And then I can rest in peace knowing that they didn't have to live with such a shitty person anymore.

I have finally won the battle of getting off the ground when my phone rings. I let it ring a few times while I try to collect myself and then I reluctantly press the talk button. I don't bother checking the caller ID. I already know who it is. Once again, I'm a good actor. I'm going to make it seem like I'm okay.

"Hello?" I groan into the phone and clutch my stomach as a wave of pain washes over me.

"Are you okay? I've been expecting your call for half an hour." Brian answers back.

"Oh, sorry I just woke up." he sighs.

"Are you hi?" When I don't answer back he continues. "Gerard, Ray told me. You've been cutting and you're suicidal again. Please just let us help you. You will feel better, I know people that have gone through this before."

"It's too late for that. You can't fix me." I say, quickly abandoning my act.

"No Gerard, it's not too late. Let us help you, please! We love you! Do you not understand that you are the reason My Chemical Romance exists! Please, we love you and I know that it's hard for you to see it right now but we need you!"

"You don't need me. I'm just a burden." The tears started running down my face. " All I'm capable of is taking pills, getting drunk and... and... I just can't do it anymore! I want it to end! I want to die!"

"That's not true Gerard! Please don't say that you want to die. You are going to be okay!" My sobbs turn into a demented sort of laugh.

"You don't seem to understand Brian! I AM NOT OKAY! I am sitting in the middle of the fucking street, hoping a semi will run me over, because guess what I did all night?! I got fucking wasted and I snorted so much fuckin' cocain that even as we speak, I am on the verge of an overdose! It's gone too far Brian! This is complete and utter bullshit!" The laugh breaks down into sobbs again.

He speaks in a hushed voice that I guess is meant to be calming."okay...okay, it's okay. Do I need to call an ambulance? Gerard please stop crying. We can help you. Will let us help you? I wish it wasn't cocaine but thank you for telling me. It's okay, it's okay. Gerard! Answer me Goddammit!" He puts more force behind the last sentence.

"You can't help me. I'm going to end it tonight." My voice cracked.

"What?! No! don't do that! Think about your brother and your friends! They will be devastated! If you want them to be happy you have to get better! You have to live!"

"I just can't do it anymore Brian! I hate myself so much that I can't see strait!"

"Don't let the drugs and the depression and the alcohol win Gerard! You are stronger than this! Find it in yourself! If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us! " If it was possible I started crying harder. Until now I had refused to think that anybody cared about me. Was it really possible? Was my mind clouded by self-hate? Why am I like this? How did it get this far? Will I ever know the answer to _these_ questions? I haven't decided yet.

"I'm trying... I'm trying! I need help Brian! I can't do it!"

"Yes you can Gerard! You are strong! You can do it."

"I am weak! This is like crushing me under a boulder and I can't get out! It's like being lost in a cave and I can't see the light anymore!" I started coughing.

"That's your depression Gee. It is normal to be depressed at some point in your life! You are not alone! You will feel better if we get all the drugs out of your system." I sniffed,

"How do you know?" he sighed.

"You would be surprised how many people have this problem Gerard." He sighs. "When I was a kid, my Dad was like you. He was depressed and he turned to alcohol, medication and drugs to get him through it. One overdose later, he was in a rehab center and after he got out, everybody's lives were so much better. I know you can do it Gerard. You are strong!" My vision flashed and I saw a speck of light in the dark of the cave. The dot grew closer and as it did, a picture started to form. I saw my friends, standing together and smiling. Then they reach out their hands to me. I stare, not sure if I want saving. But then I lift my hand and they tackle me in hugs.

The vision fades. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

"Okay... okay. I will try..." I coughed out. It was hard to believe what was coming out of my mouth. Had he really just talked me down? And I let him?

He breathed out a pent up sigh of relief. I sobbed quietly into my knees which were now pulled up to my chest. I was still in the middle of the road.

"Hey! Hey! It's okay you can stop crying. Its okay Gee. I wish I could be there for you." He spoke gently and it helped calm me down.

"It's not okay... I'm screwed up Brian. I need help. I still want to die." It wasn't like suicidal thoughts just left you alone. They took a long time to recover from.

"I understand... go wake up your tour manager. Jerry will watch you until the others wake up. I'll call him now so you don't have to explain it to him."

"Thanks... I'll go now." My crying had reduced to a few sniffles.

"I can't tell you how proud I am of you Gerard. I promise, we are going to fix you."

"Okay, bye" I said in a raw, raspy voice.

"Bye Gee." He hung up. I sat there in silence for a few moments before dragging myself to the sidewalk and using a street lamp to pull myself up. Once I had gained my feet, I started slowly walking in what I was pretty sure was the direction of the bus. My mind felt numb from too much thinking.

When I finally reached the parking lot of wherever we had played last night, I made my way through the numerous parked campers, trailers and trucks, Finally finding Jerry's mobile home. I hesitated before knocking on the door. I waited a few moments and when the door swung open I let out a cry of surprise as I was enveloped in the arms of our big tour manager.

"Sorry to scare you! I hear you need some help?" He was always such a happy person. Why can't I be like him?

"I just need to not be alone right now" I replied with my bloodshot eyes cast to the ground.

"Alright then! I think I can be of assistance." he pulled me inside.

"Can I have some water?" I asked timidly.

"Of course, you can!" He said cheerily.

At about 7 o'clock that morning, Jerry walked me back to the bus. With me not having the energy to explain, Jerry made my band mates leave me alone with the excuse that I would explain when I woke up. I collapsed into my bunk to get some much-needed sleep. Less than two hours ago, I had been plotting my own death.


	10. We Promise (Day 5)

Frank's POV

The suspense was killing me. From the moment I had woken up and was unable to find Gerard, I had been frantic for information. His almost confession to being suicidal rang in the back of my mind. I was the first one up but I had shaken Ray out of his sleep. I was confused as to why he was asleep in the armchair but he told me that he had been keeping an eye on Gerard. At that, I got angry because obviously, Gerard wasn't here anymore. Ray was surprised at that information and he looked around frantically before checking his phone. The sigh of relief he let out was enough to calm me down for a moment.

"He's fine, he's with Jerry. I'm just confused as to why and also why i'm getting this text from Brian." He said. Soon after that, when Jerry and Gerard walked in, we were all up and Mikey looked like he was getting more anxious by the second. I felt bad for him.

Gerard looked extremely tired and he was a mess. He only made eye contact with me once but once he did, he quickly looked away. I wanted to blurt out all my questions right away but I could see that he wasn't up to talking. Jerry had walked him right over to his bed and he stripped his shirt off before climbing in and collapsing. I knew something bad had happened. Jerry told us that Gerard would explain when he woke up.

Now, it's about 1 pm, we decided not to move the bus today because we didn't have to perform until friday and it was only tuesday. I hear a few coughs from the bunk room and my attention snaps over in that direction. Everybody else has noticed as well. I'm just in time to see Gerard struggle out of his bed. He still looks like shit. He probably knows that we're all watching him but he doesn't look. He's probably still thinking of what kind of explanation he's going to give us. He pulls out his suitcase and finds fresh clothes to wear, then he disappears into the bathroom. We hear the shower turn on.

I want to know what happened in the time he disappeared but I'm scared to know the answer. We soon hear the shower turn off and then a few minutes later, a fully dressed Gerard walks out.

Gerard's POV

I let the warm water rushing over my body put me into a relaxed state. The prospect of having to walk out of the bathroom and sit and actually talk made me want to throw up again but I knew that it would just be gross bile that would burn my throat. I still hadn't thought of a way to not make it awkward. After all, I was going to tell my best friends that I had almost killed myself after passing out in the middle of the street from a very near overdose on cocaine.

I give up on trying to make a plan and step out of the shower, pulling on my clothes without drying off. I look in the mirror and automatically, my eyes snap to the bottles of pills on the shelf behind me. My breath catches in my throat as I start grabbing all the pill bottles and setting them on the counter. I had gotten more since the first time Ray got rid of them. I know that if I take anymore drugs anytime soon, I could die. My body would not be able to handle that much. I look at my hand and discover that it's shaking. Picking up the first bottle, I pull the lid off and quickly empty the contents into the toilet before setting the bottle aside. The other pills meet the same fate.

When they are all empty, I gather up all the empty bottles and take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom. Mikey, Ray and Bob are sitting at the table and Frank is sprawled across the couch, flipping through the tv channels. Everyone turns to stare at me. I walk over to the table and drop all the bottles. Mikey tenses up and Ray's eyes go wide.

"Gerard, what did you do?!" Mikey says in a tone of voice that says I'm scaring the living shit out of him. I open my mouth to explain but I am cut off by Ray.

"Oh my God! You didn't take all of these did you?!" Bob and Ray jump up, Bob grabs me from behind, holding my arms down, Ray tries shoving his fingers down my throat, presumably to make me throw up. I make gagging noises and throw my head to the side to get his fingers out of my mouth and immediately start coughing. I sink to my knees.

"What the fuck Ray!? I didn't take those pills! Why don't you let me explain next time?" I look up in time to see his shoulders slump as he lets out a sigh of relief. I stand up. "I was going to say that I flushed them down the toilet."

"I assume this has something to do with why you were missing this morning?" Frank asks from my side. I sigh.

"Yes, it has everything to do with that." I respond in a whisper.

"Gee, what’s wrong?" Mikey gets up and hugs me. I relax into him and return the hug. I hadn't remembered how nice to hug him. He is one of the most important people in my life.

I feel him relax his arms, like he's intending to break the hug. When I feel his arms drop to his sides I involuntarily make a whimpering sound.

"Please don't let go of me!" I whine. His arms return to my back and he pulls me over to the couch.

"Are you going to tell us what's going on?" He asks gently, I can't help but notice the hope in his voice. Maybe I won't disappoint you this time, Mikey. I nod into his shirt.

"I'm sorry."

"I feel like we've done this before Gee." Frank sounded a little bored and impatient.

"I know we've done this before and I'm sorry for that too. I don't deserve to have you guys as friends." Tears start leaking out of my eyes but I look up when Mikey grabs both sides of my face.

"Something has obviously happened. You aren't acting like you normally do."

"Would you expect someone who tried to commit suicide to act normally?" I watch as all their faces fall. They had probably suspected it but I had just confirmed their fears. Frank hugs me from behind and I turn around in his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck.

"Can you tell us what happened?" he asked me. I sniffed and nodded.

"Last night, after I woke up. I just felt so destroyed and, and... I needed it." I found it difficult to carry on because my throat was tightening.

"What did you need Gerard?" Ray asked me. I hesitated for a moment.

"Mikey, please don't hate me." I addressed him because I knew he would be the most hurt by my addiction.

"Why would I hate you Gerard?"

"I'm addicted to cocaine." I feel him stiffen beside me and when I turn around, I see that he has gone pale. I hug him again. "I'm sorry, I screwed up. Mikey, I'm so fuckin' sorry!" I started crying into his shoulder.

"Hey Mikey, are you okay?" Ray asked in a concerned voice.

"No, I'm not okay... Cocaine is what I overdosed on. I can't believe Bert got you hooked on that."

"Don't blame Bert, I could have said no, but I didn't and now... I almost overdosed last night. I, I could feel it." I was able to choke out. Mikey finally hugged me back.

"Is that why you..." Bob didn't have to finish the question.

"Part of it. I was in 'The Used' tour bus but then I left and I remember puking a bunch of times before blacking out. I woke up in the middle of the street but I didn't move because... I don't know. I just hate myself so much. I wanted a truck to come run me over." Silent tears are running down my face and I feel cold so I pull a blanket off the top of the couch and wrap it around myself. "All I could think about was you guys hating me and how you could replace me and all the shit that I'm wrapped up in and then Brian called me because he needed to talk to me... Ray told him about my cutting and being suicidal." I was struggling not to start crying again and I wonder how I've even gotten this far into my story. "I was trying to think of a way to end it when he called, and I told him about wanting to kill myself and he told me that I had to find a reason to live." Mikey started stroking my injured wrist, like he did yesterday. It was soothing and my crying started to turn to sniffles. "He told me that if I couldn't live for myself, I had to live for you. I didn't believe him though because I still can't believe that you don't hate me."

"Gerard. We. Don't. Hate. You." Frank put extra emphasis on each word. I don't know why you think that because if we hated you, we wouldn't have come when you asked us to form a band with you. Bob wouldn't have accepted your invitation if he hated you." Bob started nodding. "Please believe me! We love you, you are one of the most important people in our lives!" A small smile showed on my face.

"Thanks Frank. I needed to hear that."

"I needed to say it. I hate seeing you in this much pain Gee."

"It feels good to know that you care."

"So how did he talk you down?" Ray asked.

"He said that I wasn't alone and that being depressed is normal."

"What do you mean you aren't alone? Of course, you have us but he already told you that."

"He said that when he was a kid, his father was doing the same things I've been doing. It was also because of his depression, and he ended up overdosing and surviving. He went to a rehab center and after that, his depression got better and everybody was a lot happier... Before he told me that, I felt like I was in the dark, without a speck of light anywhere but then, after he told me, I had avisionof being in the dark and then there was a tiny light, really far away, but then it got closer and an image started to form inside it. It was all of you. And then you reached your hands out to me and I took them and then the vision left. You were my light in the dark, and... I'm going to get better. I'm going to quit." I finished my story with a smile on my face.

"I'm proud of you for being able to do this Gee, and I'm proud of you for dumping all these out." Ray says as he picks up the empty pill bottles and throws them into the trash can.

"Will you guys help me?" I ask kind of pathetically.

"With what?" Frank asks.

"Just make sure I stay on track and help me stay away from Bert and don't let me take anymore pills or drink anything."

"What kind of Brother would I be if I didn't help you Gee?" Mikey said.

"Yeah! I think I can take McCracken!" Bob punched one palm with his fist.

"We promise that we will help you with anything you need." Ray said and Frank nodded. "And right now, I think you need some breakfast. What do you want? You're going to eat, whether you like it or not but at least you get to choose!"

"EW! Don't let Fro Fro cook! Everything he makes tastes gross!" Mikey screeches.

"Mikey! Ya little fucker! Come 'ere!" Ray yells and starts chasing him. They run off the bus, leaving the rest of us to laugh at them. Laughing is nice, I haven't done it in a while.

I wonder, maybe this week was rock bottom.


	11. I'm Not Afraid To Keep On Living (Epilogue)

 

Gerard's POV

Today is the first day I haven't woken up sick. It's been 17 days since it all came out. I know because I've been counting. It's been 17 days filled with constant headaches and throwing up. I've been doing better with eating and I haven't taken been drinking or doing any drugs all this time. I roll out of bed and as soon as I hit the floor I feel arms, probably Mikey's pulling me to my knees as I'm dragged toward the bathroom. This had become a regular thing. Everybody had gotten tired of having to clean puke off the floor. At first I had been too weak to do it myself and that meant that someone else had to do it.

"Mikey... Mikey stop." I mumbled groggily and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

"Well you can clean the floor then Gee."

"Nobody needs to clean the floor." I look up and see a huge smile spread across his face. "I'm okay."

"Woah, he didn't throw up!" I hear from behind me and I turn around to see Frank in the doorway. Ray's and Bob's face's appear at his shoulders.

"Nice job Gee!"Bob says before pushing past Frank to grab me under the arms. He lifts me to my feet and carries me out of the bunk room, throwing me down onto the couch. I'm about to get up to get some coffee when Frank sits down on my chest.

"Oww Frank! You little fucker! What are you doing?!" he laughs but doesn't get off of me.

"I'm not little! But I guess that means you feel better better?" he asks.

"Yeah, I actually don't feel like death today." I respond and he smiles. I finally manage to sit up and he slides down to my lap where I put my arms around him. I look up at his face in time to see his smile fade a little and his eyes darken with sadness. "What's wrong Frank?" I ask him, concerned.

"I was just thinking, Gee, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself." I was aware that everybody else had been watching in amusement as Frank held me down but now they turned their attention to our conversation. Despite the seriousness of his statement, I found myself smiling.

"Me too, Frankie." The smile returned to his face. "I love you Frank. I love you Mikey. I love you Ray. I love you Bob. Thank you all so much." I buried my face in Frank's side and squeezed him tight. He stroked my hair.

"Do you love yourself Gee?" he asked me. I half smiled into him.

"Not yet. I'll get there."


End file.
